Can you tell that we like Photoshop?

I don’t know if I mentioned before to anyone but I picked up some classes at one of the German schools here in Bucharest.  So if you are trying to figure it all out in your head, I am teaching English at a German school in Romania.  I know, it sounds strange.  Even stranger is the fact that I find myself teaching English to kids that don’t even know how to read.  And those of you who know me know that I absolutely loathe little kids but I continue to find myself stuck with them.

I don’t know if anyone has seen that blockbuster of a movie, “Kindergarten Cop”, but Aaahnold’s first class experience in the movie (where the kids pretty much just go ape-shit) is what I go through for about 30 minutes every Thursday.  Even worse, the Governator’s role in the movie and my real-life role are kind of reversed because I don’t know any German, and ol’ Schwarzenegger still doesn’t know any English (kidding… God!).

Thankfully the class is only for 30 minutes.  But then I have the “older kids” (i.e. 2^nd graders) for another 30 minutes.  I do get paid though, praise Jesus.  The older kids are actually my saving grace because they can comprehend the English language, and they can even read and write!  This makes mass-producing worksheets and taking up class time so much easier.  Plus, there are no stupid songs and singing involved.  All I have to do is keep my eye out for the booger-pickers and chastise them in front of the whole group in English and that pretty much solves the problems on its own.

The kindergartners are another story.  They are evil incarnate.  They haven’t yet learned that they should turn against each other and make fun of their classmates who have their fingers up their noses.  Even worse, they don’t understand English, and I don’t understand the language of these descendents of the “godless hordes” who defended themselves against the Roman Empire.  In Romanian, Germans are commonly referred to as “nemti”, which literally translates as “barbarians”.  It becomes obvious as to why they received this moniker after working with one of the worst German inventions ever, the kindergarten.

Every parent wants their precious child to be fluent in millions of languages and fortunately enough I happen to be a native speaker of one of the most sought-after languages in the world, English… and I have to make a living somehow.  The problem is not that the parents want their little German/Romanian-speaking angel to be completely fluent in the world’s dominant language but that the kids themselves don’t care to learn a friggin’ word of English.  They just want to play/fight/cry/pick boogers with each other in a language that they can communicate in.  And that’s not English.  I really can’t blame them though.

I usually come in about an hour ahead of time, plan a lesson, take a deep breath and head to the classroom.  The kids have been showing up earlier and earlier since their parents have gotten word that there is a native English speaker in town and the other teachers (pretty much all female) get a kick out of this quasi-homeless-looking American dude trying to teach colors to kids who don’t even know how to dress themselves.

Lately I have had the luxury of working with one of the other teachers who sits there and translates everything I say to the kids so they adequately understand the rules of “duck duck goose”, “Simon says”, and “head, shoulders, knees and toes”.  The kids continue to not care though.  I really wish they understood everything I say to them because sometimes I can use some pretty flowery English words.  Those don’t always get translated.  The bad thing is that the translating kindergarten teacher brings all the kids she’s supposed to be watching with her and it’s all of a sudden double booger-picking time.

All of that being said, I have already achieved one of my most rewarding experiences ever as an educator.  One of the kindergarten parents wrote a thank-you note to the German school’s class coordinator which found its way to me.  Here’s what it said:

I am writing to you in relation with the new English language professor, as I feel that you equally need positive feedback for outstanding results. Since the new professor took off the English language lessons, I have noticed an impressive progress in [nose spelunker]'s ability to express herself in English, as well as a genuine interest in English language - which was not the case before. She is asking me to watch cartoon movies in English instead of Romanian, she became - almost overnight - able to express herself in English and she is happy to talk about the English lessons and the English teacher, 'who only knows English, Mom, so we have to help him out by making the effort of talking in English to him'. She is always happy to anticipate the English lessons and has an extra-reason to enjoy the Thursdays in kindergarten.

Please receive my sincere congratulations for your choice and my gratitude for my child's amazing progress. Until I will personally meet and greet the teacher, please pass these congratulations to him as well.

Mit freundlichen Grussen,

-Mrs. Booger-Picker’s Mom

Ok, so that’s not entirely fair… her daughter has never been caught digging for goober goblins and she’s actually very pleasant to have in class.  I just really don’t understand why, after 6 years of working with smelly children and painful teenagers professionally, this is the first bit of positive feedback that I have ever received.  Ever.  I mean… I’m supposed to have one of those “Dangerous Minds”/”Stand and Deliver”/”Lean on Me” etc. experiences  after working in some of the most jacked-up places in the US and poorest villages in Europe. 

Why do I finally get a movie-worthy letter like this teaching kids who have trophy moms waiting outside the kindergarten for them in their 2010 Audis with German plates, and all I had to do was teach a few 30-minute sessions on Thursdays?  I mean… I went through things way worse than anything you saw in the movies and I think the best feedback that I got was getting cussed out a little bit less severely on the phone by someone’s mom or talked to a little less condescendingly by an overpaid boss.  I should have been in Romania this whole time!  What was I thinking?!

Ok, just had to get that off my chest.  I feel better now.  I really like the folks at the German school, so I was just kidding about all that barbarian talk.  All in all, spending my days having occasional lessons and making a fraction of what I made in the US is overall still better than how things were when we were home.  The kids here really aren’t that bad.  This is where I will leave it for today.  Got to go get a haircut for the first time in over a year!  More on this later.